i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
