I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
50% drunk capacity currently
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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