i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
