They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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