I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
