I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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