walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
