My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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