So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
