Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
