Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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