Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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