I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
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My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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