And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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