with your own penis?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My bed is full of blood and feathers
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
