I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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