I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
birth control should be required to get into college
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Randomize
