That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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