did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.