it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.