Sry I called you an 8
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.