If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
