I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
