Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
