What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
