then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day