i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
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At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.