my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
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Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad