I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
