Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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