You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
