here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
