So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
