How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
