Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
