i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
