once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
