why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
