I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
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She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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