On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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