i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
