Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
