Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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