dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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