i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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