the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
