Tell her she can't have a vagina
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
