it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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