Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
