I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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