He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
