He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
