I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
