Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
