Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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