He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
