dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
